Co-parenting… Kinda?

October 21, 2021October 26, 2021 by In Her Heart Healing ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

How can I have four kids and deal with shit okay,
But the kids dad’s just don’t show up for their kids each day?

All in denial, all in their own shit,
Can’t see through their crap,
For the sake of their kids,

One’s recently ditched her,
The other knows about the dry skin, generic condition,
But does he do shit to help it?
No he skips that shit.

He leaves soap in his bath,
Doesn’t moisturize him after,
Couldn’t give two shit about his skin,
No that’s not what he’s after…

He’s after my reaction,
He forces me into this shit,
Makes me get mad,
All to get me to talk to him,
Because he’s emotionally abusive and mad.

He’s used the kids as pawns before,
And he is doing it again,
All because he’s lost me,
And is regretting his decision again.

I’m not falling, not this time,
For the shit and the lies,
And those pathetic puppy helpless eyes.

He can forget it,
I can forgive but not forget.
Forcing myself to stop caring for him was my decision,
And I’m not looking back.

I’ll try and be civil, I’ll try and be nice.
I have tried to forgive,
I need to practice thrice….

His mind games are awful,
Like cornering me into confess,
Something I didn’t do,
It is all in his head.

I have a lot to work on,
It’s one big mess,
But what I promise myself is the best promise yet.

I’ve seen my bad loops, my kink in the line,
I see where I stuff up, and I let slack the line,
I’m picking up the mess,
But where is he?
Literally trashing my front yard,
Because he’s fucking angry?!

Breaking the agreements,
On 3 times what I earn,
With a grown adult son,
Working is his concern,
Can’t pay full child support,
Can’t care for his own shit,

Can’t keep on his finances,
Can’t keep up with any of it.

I know this feels like I’m dumping on him,
But step up to the line mate,
Your turn was waiting….

Never paid for us financially,
Never the bread winner,
Blowing his budget on overpriced cars,

Never bought home the bacon,
Never cleaned up the mess,
Unmotivated,
Untidy,
Grumpy,
Emotionally a mess.

DCP didn’t even look at him, and he freaked right out,
What is he hiding,
Something no doubt.

Like literally all the shit was on me,
All he saw himself doing was “baby sitting”
And that more than I should be grateful for right after having his baby…

But I buy you nice things on the weekend, he says,
Like he can buy my love,
Caz my heart ain’t there.

But treat her nice, and buy her new things,
Well man, move on,
He can go find a girl who wants his funk ass attitude and his skint ass money.

He finds it too hard to moisturize his kid,
Feed them decent, it’s all takeaway yet,
N no coke before bed, they are less than TWO!

I pray for the capacity to move on from this toxic and heavy load, in Jesus name. Amen.

Come on over to my website and check out the courses to begin your journey from hurting to healing http://www.inherhearthealing.com

Calling Broken Souls

October 21, 2021 by In Her Heart Healing ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Children,
Let them cry,
They know you’re there,
They feel you,
Show them how to hold,
Hold space,
Hold faith,
Strong hold of God,

In a dark of night,
In the snap of warfare,
When they children scream for external desires, once you’ve met their basic needs,
In the snap of tantrums,
In the snap of spiritual fire,
In the heat of the moment,
Call out His divine,

When depression hit dark,
In the middle of the night,
Not sleeping,
Not soundly,
No ones called the light,

In Jesus name I call you,
Come down upon those souls,
Heal and forgive them Lord,
Through their own terrible storms,

Heal the broken hearted,
Heal the dusty souls,
Heal the weak minded,
Heal them and us all,

In the name of the almighty,
In the name of our Lord,
In the name of the son,
In the name of our God,

Bring your graceful presence,
Heal the broken souls,
Rain down Your glory,
Heal our broken souls,

Be with us in the tough times,
Help us remember you in the grand,
Lord you’re with us forever,
Your presence in this land,

Help us speak the truth, Lord,
Drive our souls to your grace,
Shine your light from us, Lord,
Reveal your loving face,

Bless this land where we shall live,
Bless the ground beneath our feet,
Draw us into you Lord,
For we are children at your feet,

Lord give us the strength we need,
The blessings of your grace,
The blessing of your warm hugs,
Is done at your divine pace.

Lord, lead us into light,
The glory of your soul,
In Jesus name, forever,
We being glory to you Lord,
In Jesus name, I pray.
Amen.

Youth ain’t easy

October 19, 2021 by In Her Heart Healing ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Falling in love is now the hardest thing, something that most people find easy,
Confused and teased by my brother’s friends in what’s meant to have been a safe environment.
Brink of youth, they mocked me and my best friend,
Making hints just over our heads, continuous,
Making us question each other, changing our views so differently,
Breaking something full of innocent and sincerity,
For my best friend was a male, and I a female,
We got along so well until that long time,
Making us wonder and question the status,
Something that was beyond our innocent little minds.

Faith.

October 18, 2021 by In Her Heart Healing ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Faith is not stable,
It’s not a stable income,
It’s not a balanced relationship,
Faith isn’t perfect.

Faith is messy, uncertain… And yet always reliable.

Reliable to get us where we need to go,
Even if it’s not where we wanted.

Reliable to always access what we need to thrive, even if it’s not always how we want it,

Faith is not stable like a freshly laid road,
Faith feels unpredictable, even when it’s firm,

It’s us that is the unstable, unreliable,
Us who wobbles, looses faith when riding stony grounds,
Us who detours, set off on another path,
It’s us that gives up the always faithful path.

Faith is firm, the question I’m asking myself, is me?

Am I able to trust the next step in faith,
Knowing it’s unshattering in His amazing grace,
Faith foot forward because he sent his son, for a wretch, thats me

Mighty Strength

October 18, 2021 by In Her Heart Healing ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

When it all feels like too much, give it to God,

When its the crushing, unwilling, crushing weight of the world,

When there’s decisions, choices and mistakes to be made,

I chose to give it all to God with the most uncanny way.

Talking to God, as if he’s right there in view,

Talking to him like I would my best friend,

I take the mysteries and the scary to him,

The bits I need some clues on,

He’s all savouring in my experiences,

Giving a little at a time so my plate doesn’t fill up way too high,

As I take the next stack, the Lords saying,

Stay with me through all your days, unwavering.

That is not me.

October 17, 2021 by In Her Heart Healing ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I knew there was a disconnect, between who I am and me. Something that doesnt align, and breaks my heart to see. The way I parent my inner child, is my mum, and is just not me… So how would I parent myself, if I erased my mum and parent the parent I can be?

I would take all the clocks down, remove all devices, send my kids for outside time, and take down the threats of violence against devices.

My children have exhausted me, all up today,
Whinging, questioning, talking and talking, I have dreamed of doing the walking.

I would have a quiet house, alone. Kids playing happily, but it really ain’t the norm.

Breaking out of my mum’s mould gently, in the strongest way I know. Quietly, quietly, attention to me, I am on my way home.

One for the women…

October 16, 2021October 16, 2021 by In Her Heart Healing ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Oh I’m feeling bogged down,

Smashed by my body,

Attacking itself,

Because I didn’t create life,

My bodies inflamed,

Its hot to the touch,

Uncomfortable, squeezing, expanding too much,

Drained, faint, dehydrated, disconnected,

Unengaged, tired, selfceare out the window.

I need another drink,

Anemia on the brink?

I can’t even comprehend, let alone think.

My body is screaming,

Pushing at me,

And I am responding by utterly ignoring.

I’m ignoring the aches,

The pushing pain,

The bloating,

The headaches,

That constant energy drain,

I gotta get up,

I need to move now,

When all my body wants to do is go fast to sleep.

I force myself awake,

Needing to parent some more,

Putting up with screams,

I fear there will be more….

My eyes are hanging,

Half out of my head,

As I start my to do list before I head to bed.