Being abandoned – why can’t you just…
He couldn’t be the hero. He couldn’t save him. His testosterone went down. He didn’t feel like a man. He couldn’t show up for me. He couldn’t show up for him.

But I made him that way. “Men can’t handle strong women” was playing in my head, “just bloody show up man”.

But he didn’t. He couldn’t. I blamed him. It was me.

It was me who dominated. It was me who stole the testosterone in the relationship.

I caused this. Fuck that’s hard.

I was too much “an independent woman” and didn’t allow myself to be gentle, needy, soft. Neither was my heart.

Thyroid. Testosterone. Pumped ego.

Falling away.

Reckless abandonment on my life, can no longer, no longer want to hold it.

It’s been a year.

A year since our son was seizuring, severely dehydrated.

A year since his eyes rolled around his little head.

I thought this was done. I thought this was over. It has to burn in me, and let the ash heal my soul.

For he did not enjoy my ultra-independance, enough drive for the both of us.

It ruined us.

It was me.

No time for soft n gentle,
No time for faff,
No time, and who wants to be needy?
That’s NOT my wrap.

Ego.

Pride.

Shame.

I call you out.

I am the one who got the way out.

I am the one who went in with imbalance, I went into a relationship with no need for a man.

I went and had kids, my two beautiful souls,
One I almost lost, thanks to my prideful ego.

I’m not proud of the fact,
Not of how I chose to act.

Not abandoning my post,
My ego “ultra independent” intact.

I didn’t need him, not from the get go,
But when he abandoned me, in my time of need,
I’ve been blaming him since the get go.

Since our child was hospitalized,
When he could have died.
A week old,
So tiny,
For my ego and pride.

Tubes too big for his little body,
The things wouldn’t fit,
The things he needed,
To fix his dehydrated body,
My huge mess.

I blamed him for so long,
His pride, his ego, his lack of testosterone.

Looking past my faults, I couldn’t see them til now.
Man up, I’d think as my ego would bow.

I need this softness to enter my life,
This wonderful God I found by my side,
Taking us up, me and my son, in his hour of need,
Sending his angles to work and watch over him.

The relationship crumbled,
It fell to the ground,
I stumbled on pieces,
That fell all around.

I silenced it. I switched it off.
I shut the door to the face,
I once adored.

I can’t go back there,
Where the healing lies.
To say sorry would be abandon my pride.

To go where I don’t want to.
To go where it’s clear.
To have a relationship I once held so dear.

I’ve tarried with it a year,
I won’t go back, ever – I’d say…

He could want me back,
And I want to heal.

It feels like a warm spot in a cool swimming pool.

It hurts my heart, and it hurts my head,
I still have a shit tonne to process yet.

Thanks to God, and thanks to my new group, them all,
I have started my journey to heal my soul.

I will take a breath, I will welcome it in,
The feelings of abandonment,
Coming flooding in.