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Everyday demons…

I know you’re busy,
Doing good works,
Saying thanks to our Lord,
A good heart in your chest.

Your Sunday is busy,
With church and rehearsal,
To practice your words,
You inspiring nerd,

Not hearing from you,
Leaves a hole in my chest,
Maybe I’m overbearing at my best?
The self doubt creeps in,
It’s been a painful 18 hours since you last texted me.

I’ve been trying distraction,
Resisting the urge to make contact,
Fear I have scared you off,
Despite what you’ve said.


Fighting my own inner demons at play,
Wondering why I feel so inadequate today.

I know my feelings are to be put to one side,
And my heart should rest in Gods only ride,

I’m preparing myself to let go from the short time we had,
Is this the end of us talking, end of the fun?
Feeling scared, telling myself it’s not my inadequacy.

Am I being ghosted or shunned?
Who knows in the end,
My egos at play, it’s power trippin’.

For I am to humble myself to the Lord,
Keep my feet well in my own door.
Look after my house,
And my fatherless family.

For I am washed fresh in the eyes of the Lord,
Given myself back to Him once more,
So why does it matter if I’d like a man?

Why did you like me, was I just putty in your hand, or was it God’s plan to show me the ways,
No one is perfect, I’ll forgive anyway.

I’ll humble my soul, to the likes of God,
Made from the man, who is made from God,
Getting a shock as I read through the bible,
Draw dropping silence, as I learn to be quiet.

Humbling myself in the ways of a woman,
God loving, God fearing,
While singlehandedly child rearing.

But maybe your just busy,
Oh who am I to know.
Or maybe I’m ghosted,
For now, I’ll just pack away my ego.

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He’s got you and me in His hands

My guts are churning,
The doctor “fixed” my iron,
Now I feel constantly fatigued.
Nothing else is wrong,
Tests came back clean.
Just my iron was bad,
Now it’s totally faulty.

Rendering me useless,
I wouldn’t drive,
The driveways on a busy intersection,
There must have been a reason why,

I felt this muck deep inside,


Called for help on the school run, yep.

But my help was in panic,
Navigation of three other ways,
Turned my car, forgot one way,
Suddenly there was silence,
Smoke coming out,
A bang went off,
I couldn’t hear a shout.

The car had collided with another on the way,
Everyone, thank God, was okay!
The other car was slightly damaged,
Mine a ride off,
But boy what a day.

But I’m sure in all my mess,
That I call this life,
There is adventure and beauty for thirst and for life,
There is blessings to be found,
A first sunny day,
Right before I had spent hundreds,
On fixing a slightly annoying sounding fan belt,
Due to be fixed 40 minutes after the fact,
God had been watching,
He had put out his hand.

Thank you Lord for all that you do.

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Tug-of-war.

A world I don’t understand,
A world that is different to mine,
A world that is spinning,
In another dimension of time,

Realities vastly different,
One yearning for escape,
Blasting those who are different,
He’s blasting them as an escape.

The horrible spew that comes from their mouths,
Teeming and torturous, horrendous hopes,
Blasting from their mouths like their best well wishes,
While they wish those different to sleep with the fishes.

The other side calls,
The other side yearns,
To be understood,
And to be heard.

To work beside, and not beneath,
Those who are hurting, those that are spiritually weak,
Drive out that evil,
No room in this garden,
For I’ve got to keep my head on level.

And so it is here I end with a prayer,
For you, me and anyone there.
I pray Dear father in heaven,
Show your face to those who cause disconcert,
Change the heart of that man lead servant.
I pray Lord here, hear me now,
As I lay my heart down, on the ground,
Forgive my shortcomings today,
And I pray that things will be done your way.

In Jesus name, amen.

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Resilience.

It has slow build up,
Hardly even noticing,
The waves overlap,
Getting closer, moving in.

Suddenly they are upon us,
Hardly swimming,
Fighting the current,
No way, we need saving,

Some fight the battle,
Alone by themselves,
Resisting, battling,
Getting no where fast still,

While I use to be, one of those gals,
Fighting the upstream,
I know better now.

For faith, when I pray
God’s listening,
Repentance for my errors,
In all the different ways,

Like a child is best when they tell their parents the truth,
Understanding can be given,
An obvious truce,

When I turn to God,
I humble myself,
Like a child to their father,
I admit the hard things and my not so great ways,

For God’s on my side,
He holds the battle,
My fight upstream is no longer an upheaval battle,

I need to make strides,
God calms the water,
While the others struggle,
To their own stormy weather.

For now I will end,
a new thing I am doing,
as part of my journey,
And healing story,

For now I will pray,
For those who need it today,
For those in my story,
To our God I pray:

Please help me,
My enemies too,
Help me see the ways,
I can improve,

To my enemies,
Help them lord to see your face,
Help them know,
And help them see,
You in all your mighty and glorious ways.

In Jesus name, Amen.






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Friend in Him.

I turn to God for everything,
As much as I can muster.
In the business of life,
When I’m in a fluster,
God gives me an answer.

He is clear as day,
As his response can be heard,
If you listen like you’re hearing a friend,
Answering replies, God sent.

For He knows you and knows me well too,
He knows our souls, and our minds too,
Too does he know what is in our hearts,
From us he won’t depart.

For God is always here,
Through the valley and the peaks,
Through the low times and the good times,
God’s always near,

When I turn and talk to my friend, Lord and Saviour,
He’s always available with his listening ear.

For God is great and he knows it all,
He will stop me from an otherwise fall.

Thank you God.

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Back to My 2020

The unravel of the 2020 gravel that life put me through,
Dates pending, colliding with one another,
Time was not my friend,
As I grasped for help, it seemed like a yelp,
I was someone desperate for breath,
Wrong person, scott free, bailed on all but two questionings,
While under investigation, he ran from his nothing, blind eyes turned to his side,
My situation speaks, only the evidence that leaks,
Emotional toil, hormonal unseen.
No tests, no kits, I’m not an experim*i*nt,
You all just leave me alone,
With your poking and prodding,
Leaving me second guessing,
Maybe it was all just a gross joke,
Maybe it was me where the lies ceased to precede,
But they all had me wrapped up as a joke.

These people of the underground,
Heavenly put under foot,
Don’t like what the truth beholds,
The strong and the bold,
With knowledgeable God on my side,
They won’t easily take a “no”.

Even those in the game,
Possessed by authority,
And especially those “just doing their job”,
Unquestioning,
To you I thank,
For the experience I take,
The knowledge of all your back hands.

Because No means No in any setting,
And only give them something under duress,
It works for police, So I’ve been told,
For one to make such a move, bold.
I wonder in the setting,
Of the white coat,
What would be their response,
If one only consented under duress,
What would be their reaction and response.

For no means no,
Or so they say,
If you are a rapist today.

But in the medical field,
In the house of police,
Investigations that was on my heels,
Detectives where on my case.

I kept coming back to my circumstance,
But that, in their eyes, was just a disguise,
Something they thought should be completely dismissed.

“That can’t be the reason”
Bellowed and echoed along,
Like it was 2020s song,
One to which they all sang along,

While I sat there alone,
With no where to go,
No emotional safe place to turn.

While those in white coats,
Treated me like a joke,
Like my hormones where something I can control.

They scoffed and they scolded,
Dirty looks over shouldered,
As I would walk into that room,

The Facebook post, of 2020s memories,
The posts made one year ago…
The immense pressure from several transgressors,
All the same week my little man was birthed,
Reasons thrown out the window,
Finding one to suit their story,
Because mine reasons couldn’t be why.

And what was concluded,
Where was the real reason rooted?

To them it was hard but “factually based”,
That I didn’t supply enough milk,
And that due to his jaundice,
And the DNA components,
That’s the reason behind it all,

Because as science states,
Stress and toxins don’t interfere with hormones, do they mates?
No that won’t fit their narrative,
It doesn’t matter,
A security guard father,
Can’t be the one causing the distress,
It must be the mother,
So we’ll investigate her further,
To them it was always me.