Shame of invisible pain.

Shame of invisible pain.

My inability to do things,
Brings me deep shame and discomfort,
Making me hide the blame.

I can’t do anything about it,
I could and actually I do,
My mindset is as strong because of my discomfort,
And my inability to do…

I can’t do things that requires wrist strength,
I’ve always struggled, from playing sports to holding pots,
I was and am never much good.

I can’t hold heavy things for long with my hands,
My wrists give way, cave in, folding,
Buckling to the strain….

Buttons on my hips areas, little pockets in my pants,
Finicky little things and whatnot become a task to do.

I always thought I was clumsy,
Smashing down the plates,
Accidentally almost dropping them was just in due course,
Otherwise if I wasn’t clumsy with my shitty wrists I was seen as slow and lazy,
Fumbling over the bits…

And it crushed my self esteem,
Having shitty wrists…
Couldn’t see the problem,
Well then it can’t exist.

The things those labels did to me,
Being slow, lazy or careless…
I could just be slow and careful…
Or quick and careless…

Deep shame and worthlessness,
Pains me to this day,
Having my teenage daughter struggle,
Makes me wonder if her wrists are the same…..




Just because something isn’t understood or if it’s unseen doesn’t mean it magically doesn’t exist. Be nice to those you meet, especially if you disagree.



Marks and scars from yesterday

Marks and scars from yesterday

Holding space for the feelings,
Letting them flood in,
Quiet, meek and selfish,
The emotional lords come in,

Telling me lies and fakery,
Got the tricks up their sleeves,
Uninterested, bland, distasteful,
The doubts start creeping in.

You’ll be alone forever,
Way to stuff that one up,
You have no time in the world,
It almost makes you wanna hurl,

The lies and the fakery,
Confusion and the blame,
Anger and unforgiving,
All end up the same,

Stinking, festering, taking a-hold,
Gripping fast on its prey,
Bunkering down for nights on end,
Waiting for it’s victory day…

But festering feelings never come to much,
And that’s not what I’ve been told,
Straight from the word of the mouth,
From our great and mighty God.

Forgive those time and time and time again,
Even when they are sour,
Even when their best foots festering,
When they repent, give them loving power,

Show them grace, show them love,
Show them your inner light,
Let them know you’re alright.

Even when they don’t repent,
Forgive them still, anyway.
For they know not the burden they’ve caused,
They might not care anyway,

Forgive them of your own free will,
It’s simple, do it today,
For keeping the burden they don’t know,
Isn’t on their mind anyway,

Your energy is better spent,
Doing things you love,
You know why, right my love?
The impact you’ll make will forever go beyond and above,

But you need to forgive those who once you loved.

For those who hurt you,
The same applies,
You’ll loose your sleep, while they shut their eyes,
You won’t rest until something is done,
So do it now, your work can be done,

For tomorrow you’ll wake,
Your soul is tired,
Restless, broken, you’ll head uninspired,
So you’ll play the same loop, again and again,
Until you do something,
My dear best friend.

Forgive them, even when it hurts,
It’s unjust, unfeeling, and for sure the pain will crust,
It’s ugly, it’s painful, and you didn’t deserve that shit,
That person was an ass to you,
But they won’t admit.

So heal yourself,
And heal your pain,
The marks and the scars from yesterday.



Dear Lord,
I pray for anyone reading this, anyone going through a hard time right now, anyone fighting demons telling them they aren’t good enough, that they are unforgivable, that they can’t forgive, I pray that your love fall upon us, teach us how to forgive. In Jesus name, banish those demons, their lies, their fog and confusion. I pray over everyone reading this today, that you may work in their hearts, and bring light into their life where the darkness is grasping at.
In Jesus name, amen.

Come on over to my website and check out the courses to begin your journey from hurting to healing http://www.inherhearthealing.com


Chat

Throw Ya Back Out.

My body refuses to function,
From my navel down,
I can’t do anything,
I’m seized up,
I’m only managing to lie down,

I sprained my lower back,
The inflammation still abounds,
Oh the pain is unbearable,
Especially when my kids playing on the ground.

I can’t even move,
I feel so invalid,
I can barely function,
But I have so much to do.

I wonder if the pain is there from stress in the past year,
The trauma, the events,
Captured in my lower back,
There because that’s where I laboured,
It may have been injured.

So my feelings stuck in my body,
Tight n tense,
Clearly unprocessed and jarred.
Upright, uptight.

Stabbing pain as inflammation shoots through,
Burning and scraping with it’s claws,
My poor back, makes me roar.

Garlic, tumeric, ginger infused honey,
To help my inflammation become at bay.
Got me through so many hard times before.
This stuff keeps my soul sunny, hey.

My whole lower self is tight, seized up,
An aftermath of it fighting itself,
Working too hard,
The underside of being an independent woman,
My body can’t hack it any more,
But the man I had was not quite so helpful,
Only making me feel like his mother,

How I yearned for his help, his assistance his hands to support me through the hard times,
He ran away. Leaving me with all the bits,
The mental mess to deal with of having those hard times.

How I wanted him to stick by me.
Be my rock,
Listen to me,
Not question n doubt me.

Asking for help fell on deaf ears too long,
My body not coping, almost breaking,
But to him it must be that I was cheating,

No my body’s not coping,
I’ve been saying all along,
Pregnancy stuff, bodys not strong,
Muscles are weaker and hope not for prolapse,
It didn’t but now my body feels like it’s in collapse.

Friends got me magnesium,
Pain releif cream, starting to feel better,
Hours later I can fully function,
Feeling better as I go,
I’m not better still
Just recovering,
On a pill.

Two weeks I’ve got to go,
Take it easy, with the kids in tow,
My body is not once what it use to be,
How long can my body cope with me being me,

I must change my mindset,
Help to be sought,
I must lean on my family n friends,
My only resource,

I have got to be strong,
Take it as it comes,
Breathe through the rest,
While I beat to my own drum.






Chat

Life Works

Ain’t it strange looking back on life,
How things go, how things change,
The old and the new,
Time mixed up like stew,
And by your side remain your faithful crew.

How things work, and how they end,
How everything old is new again.

A fresh perspective,
A new beginning,
The breath of life,
The old fades away,
The new temporarily stays.

The pain from last year,
The doctors bad words,
The horrible shit,
Is fading away.

I thought I’d miss it,
I thought I’d forget,
But those memories become faded in my head.

My photos lost forever,
Hidden away in a book,
No longer in my phone,
It amputated it’s storage memory.

Memories, pain, discomfort, muck,
No longer bright or bold,
Or at the touch of a button on my phone.

The pain dispersed,
Memories not lost,
But no longer in my face,
Physically they are easily replaced.

Almost right on a year on now,
I have a new phone,
The old memories have gone,


Today we get home from our last minute get away,
Where new memories where made,
Moments captured,
Bright and bold memories are now front of face.
I can move on from that horrible space.