How human is our home life, It’s messy, crazy and a place where we fail, We let our hair down and wail, We cry for something more than we have, Less mess, More quiet, Where our wishes fall into our pillows amongst a sea of tears at times, Our deepest desires get whispered to our dogs, And our long desire of embrace falls into the arms of our children, Be honest, everyones got stuff under their couches…
You put on your pretty face, Make up your bed, Put on some nice clothes, And do up your hair, Week after week you show up like a princess, When all I can think is about your mess under your bed.
Everyone’s got it, behind closed doors, In the staircase cupboard or in the bottom drawers. It might be the car is trashed from the kids, Or there’s food down your couch side, Or unwashed dishes in the sink,
How ever you present, Or how you see someone else, Just think about all the things, That us humans hide.
Holding space for the feelings, Letting them flood in, Quiet, meek and selfish, The emotional lords come in,
Telling me lies and fakery, Got the tricks up their sleeves, Uninterested, bland, distasteful, The doubts start creeping in.
You’ll be alone forever, Way to stuff that one up, You have no time in the world, It almost makes you wanna hurl,
The lies and the fakery, Confusion and the blame, Anger and unforgiving, All end up the same,
Stinking, festering, taking a-hold, Gripping fast on its prey, Bunkering down for nights on end, Waiting for it’s victory day…
But festering feelings never come to much, And that’s not what I’ve been told, Straight from the word of the mouth, From our great and mighty God.
Forgive those time and time and time again, Even when they are sour, Even when their best foots festering, When they repent, give them loving power,
Show them grace, show them love, Show them your inner light, Let them know you’re alright.
Even when they don’t repent, Forgive them still, anyway. For they know not the burden they’ve caused, They might not care anyway,
Forgive them of your own free will, It’s simple, do it today, For keeping the burden they don’t know, Isn’t on their mind anyway,
Your energy is better spent, Doing things you love, You know why, right my love? The impact you’ll make will forever go beyond and above,
But you need to forgive those who once you loved.
For those who hurt you, The same applies, You’ll loose your sleep, while they shut their eyes, You won’t rest until something is done, So do it now, your work can be done,
For tomorrow you’ll wake, Your soul is tired, Restless, broken, you’ll head uninspired, So you’ll play the same loop, again and again, Until you do something, My dear best friend.
Forgive them, even when it hurts, It’s unjust, unfeeling, and for sure the pain will crust, It’s ugly, it’s painful, and you didn’t deserve that shit, That person was an ass to you, But they won’t admit.
So heal yourself, And heal your pain, The marks and the scars from yesterday.
Dear Lord, I pray for anyone reading this, anyone going through a hard time right now, anyone fighting demons telling them they aren’t good enough, that they are unforgivable, that they can’t forgive, I pray that your love fall upon us, teach us how to forgive. In Jesus name, banish those demons, their lies, their fog and confusion. I pray over everyone reading this today, that you may work in their hearts, and bring light into their life where the darkness is grasping at. In Jesus name, amen.
Come on over to my website and check out the courses to begin your journey from hurting to healing http://www.inherhearthealing.com
How can I have four kids and deal with shit okay, But the kids dad’s just don’t show up for their kids each day?
All in denial, all in their own shit, Can’t see through their crap, For the sake of their kids,
One’s recently ditched her, The other knows about the dry skin, generic condition, But does he do shit to help it? No he skips that shit.
He leaves soap in his bath, Doesn’t moisturize him after, Couldn’t give two shit about his skin, No that’s not what he’s after…
He’s after my reaction, He forces me into this shit, Makes me get mad, All to get me to talk to him, Because he’s emotionally abusive and mad.
He’s used the kids as pawns before, And he is doing it again, All because he’s lost me, And is regretting his decision again.
I’m not falling, not this time, For the shit and the lies, And those pathetic puppy helpless eyes.
He can forget it, I can forgive but not forget. Forcing myself to stop caring for him was my decision, And I’m not looking back.
I’ll try and be civil, I’ll try and be nice. I have tried to forgive, I need to practice thrice….
His mind games are awful, Like cornering me into confess, Something I didn’t do, It is all in his head.
I have a lot to work on, It’s one big mess, But what I promise myself is the best promise yet.
I’ve seen my bad loops, my kink in the line, I see where I stuff up, and I let slack the line, I’m picking up the mess, But where is he? Literally trashing my front yard, Because he’s fucking angry?!
Breaking the agreements, On 3 times what I earn, With a grown adult son, Working is his concern, Can’t pay full child support, Can’t care for his own shit,
Can’t keep on his finances, Can’t keep up with any of it.
I know this feels like I’m dumping on him, But step up to the line mate, Your turn was waiting….
Never paid for us financially, Never the bread winner, Blowing his budget on overpriced cars,
Never bought home the bacon, Never cleaned up the mess, Unmotivated, Untidy, Grumpy, Emotionally a mess.
DCP didn’t even look at him, and he freaked right out, What is he hiding, Something no doubt.
Like literally all the shit was on me, All he saw himself doing was “baby sitting” And that more than I should be grateful for right after having his baby…
But I buy you nice things on the weekend, he says, Like he can buy my love, Caz my heart ain’t there.
But treat her nice, and buy her new things, Well man, move on, He can go find a girl who wants his funk ass attitude and his skint ass money.
He finds it too hard to moisturize his kid, Feed them decent, it’s all takeaway yet, N no coke before bed, they are less than TWO!
I pray for the capacity to move on from this toxic and heavy load, in Jesus name. Amen.
Come on over to my website and check out the courses to begin your journey from hurting to healing http://www.inherhearthealing.com
Falling in love is now the hardest thing, something that most people find easy, Confused and teased by my brother’s friends in what’s meant to have been a safe environment. Brink of youth, they mocked me and my best friend, Making hints just over our heads, continuous, Making us question each other, changing our views so differently, Breaking something full of innocent and sincerity, For my best friend was a male, and I a female, We got along so well until that long time, Making us wonder and question the status, Something that was beyond our innocent little minds.
Being abandoned – why can’t you just… He couldn’t be the hero. He couldn’t save him. His testosterone went down. He didn’t feel like a man. He couldn’t show up for me. He couldn’t show up for him.
But I made him that way. “Men can’t handle strong women” was playing in my head, “just bloody show up man”.
But he didn’t. He couldn’t. I blamed him. It was me.
It was me who dominated. It was me who stole the testosterone in the relationship.
I caused this. Fuck that’s hard.
I was too much “an independent woman” and didn’t allow myself to be gentle, needy, soft. Neither was my heart.
Thyroid. Testosterone. Pumped ego.
Falling away.
Reckless abandonment on my life, can no longer, no longer want to hold it.
It’s been a year.
A year since our son was seizuring, severely dehydrated.
A year since his eyes rolled around his little head.
I thought this was done. I thought this was over. It has to burn in me, and let the ash heal my soul.
For he did not enjoy my ultra-independance, enough drive for the both of us.
It ruined us.
It was me.
No time for soft n gentle, No time for faff, No time, and who wants to be needy? That’s NOT my wrap.
Ego.
Pride.
Shame.
I call you out.
I am the one who got the way out.
I am the one who went in with imbalance, I went into a relationship with no need for a man.
I went and had kids, my two beautiful souls, One I almost lost, thanks to my prideful ego.
I’m not proud of the fact, Not of how I chose to act.
Not abandoning my post, My ego “ultra independent” intact.
I didn’t need him, not from the get go, But when he abandoned me, in my time of need, I’ve been blaming him since the get go.
Since our child was hospitalized, When he could have died. A week old, So tiny, For my ego and pride.
Tubes too big for his little body, The things wouldn’t fit, The things he needed, To fix his dehydrated body, My huge mess.
I blamed him for so long, His pride, his ego, his lack of testosterone.
Looking past my faults, I couldn’t see them til now. Man up, I’d think as my ego would bow.
I need this softness to enter my life, This wonderful God I found by my side, Taking us up, me and my son, in his hour of need, Sending his angles to work and watch over him.
The relationship crumbled, It fell to the ground, I stumbled on pieces, That fell all around.
I silenced it. I switched it off. I shut the door to the face, I once adored.
I can’t go back there, Where the healing lies. To say sorry would be abandon my pride.
To go where I don’t want to. To go where it’s clear. To have a relationship I once held so dear.
I’ve tarried with it a year, I won’t go back, ever – I’d say…
He could want me back, And I want to heal.
It feels like a warm spot in a cool swimming pool.
It hurts my heart, and it hurts my head, I still have a shit tonne to process yet.
Thanks to God, and thanks to my new group, them all, I have started my journey to heal my soul.
I will take a breath, I will welcome it in, The feelings of abandonment, Coming flooding in.
I know you’re busy, Doing good works, Saying thanks to our Lord, A good heart in your chest.
Your Sunday is busy, With church and rehearsal, To practice your words, You inspiring nerd,
Not hearing from you, Leaves a hole in my chest, Maybe I’m overbearing at my best? The self doubt creeps in, It’s been a painful 18 hours since you last texted me.
I’ve been trying distraction, Resisting the urge to make contact, Fear I have scared you off, Despite what you’ve said.
Fighting my own inner demons at play, Wondering why I feel so inadequate today.
I know my feelings are to be put to one side, And my heart should rest in Gods only ride,
I’m preparing myself to let go from the short time we had, Is this the end of us talking, end of the fun? Feeling scared, telling myself it’s not my inadequacy.
Am I being ghosted or shunned? Who knows in the end, My egos at play, it’s power trippin’.
For I am to humble myself to the Lord, Keep my feet well in my own door. Look after my house, And my fatherless family.
For I am washed fresh in the eyes of the Lord, Given myself back to Him once more, So why does it matter if I’d like a man?
Why did you like me, was I just putty in your hand, or was it God’s plan to show me the ways, No one is perfect, I’ll forgive anyway.
I’ll humble my soul, to the likes of God, Made from the man, who is made from God, Getting a shock as I read through the bible, Draw dropping silence, as I learn to be quiet.
Humbling myself in the ways of a woman, God loving, God fearing, While singlehandedly child rearing.
But maybe your just busy, Oh who am I to know. Or maybe I’m ghosted, For now, I’ll just pack away my ego.
In Her Heart Healing 
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