No I won’t lay in the hen house, I won’t lay in the straw, I won’t lay anywhere comfortable, I won’t lay there at all…
But amongst the picky ass aloe, amongst the yukkas too, behind the lattice near the fence, yes, that’s perfect, yes that will do.
The thoughts that jump into my head,
Not to be shared, not to be said,
They come creeping in,
Almost as if they are doing it joyfully.
The thoughts need a changing,
Swapping to a different way,
The deepest ones, pull me up on my confidence,
Saying “pft you’re not good enough”
But hear me declare,
Hear me say,
What it is that my mind tells me today,
For if it’s true,
For the equal and opposite must also be valid,
“I am equal, I am beyond brilliant enough”
It’s just Newton’s Third Law after all.
Living as an undiagnosed autistic,
Is like being an Android based phone trying to fit into an Apple based world,
Things don’t fit properly,
Things don’t calculate,
Being honest and genuine is our fit,
More over than that, earnest is our key,
But that doesn’t fit in an Apple door,
It turns them the wrong way.
They get the wrong idea,
Tell us that it can’t be as simple as we say,
They don’t take honest people honestly,
And they double guess what we say…
There is great pain,
When we are genuinely curious,
Wanting more information so we can understand their world,
A lot of the time gets us banned…
We caused offense, or disrespect,
When all we where doing was trying to empathize and understand,
I guess we don’t being android based,
Our filters turned off and the truths always in our face,
We can’t see the thing the Apples hide behind,
It’s invisible to us, yet we get turned down and go hide,
Often to pick up the bits of our mess,
While others call us stupid or blunt or cause distress,
We can see you, distant, quiet,
Hiding alone in your shamefilled moments,
We don’t understand why it takes you so long,
To uncover the thing that we haven’t been able to see all along,
To us it’s invisible,
Not in a place,
We don’t understand it,
We can’t see the shamed face,
We don’t see those missed signals too,
When we are telling the truth on something we knew,
To stop and to see the other person withdrawn, shamed faced and blunted,
To us nothing was wrong.
We saw it as fact and truth,
We don’t see the point of the beating round the bush stories,
We are clear cut and to the point,
Leaving out any fluffies…
And if I have been an Android all along,
Fitting into family of Apples in their world,
Is it any wonder, how things played out in the end,
Shredding their lies,
That I was lazy again,
Their best at their perspective,
Has broken our souls,
Taking years to recover if we ever do at all…
We are no different,
We are just the same,
We run just fine,
In the Android based games…
And Apples we love you, but we will never understand,
That invisible filter that we can’t comprehend.
I humble myself, as I lay down to pray,
As I present my mustard seed to God,
Praying for humbleness, praying for family,
Praying for my heart to be gentled.
Declaring the Lord, who came to save,
Declaring I walk with him each day.
Teaching my kids to lean on His ways,
All while I help their little hearts to pray.
To normalize faith, once again in this house,
To love and lean on God for support,
Faith is our way, oh my little one prayed,
God help me use the toilet one day,
You see, she’s retained and delayed.
My eldest prayed for the storm to be over,
God answered her, in the midst of her fears,
Even he’s found a way to help her to pray.
And me, while I’m still regaining my feet in faith,
It’s solid as a rock, like David’s one could say,
Tiny and little, hard and fast,
Defeating it’s enemy without any doubt.
And so I’ll lay here, praying some more,
Studying God’s book that arrived at my door,
And in dream God will show me his comfort,
His warming, soothing, comforting light.
I know you’re busy,
Doing good works,
Saying thanks to our Lord,
A good heart in your chest.
Your Sunday is busy,
With church and rehearsal,
To practice your words,
You inspiring nerd,
Not hearing from you,
Leaves a hole in my chest,
Maybe I’m overbearing at my best?
The self doubt creeps in,
It’s been a painful 18 hours since you last texted me.
I’ve been trying distraction,
Resisting the urge to make contact,
Fear I have scared you off,
Despite what you’ve said.
Fighting my own inner demons at play,
Wondering why I feel so inadequate today.
I know my feelings are to be put to one side,
And my heart should rest in Gods only ride,
I’m preparing myself to let go from the short time we had,
Is this the end of us talking, end of the fun?
Feeling scared, telling myself it’s not my inadequacy.
Am I being ghosted or shunned?
Who knows in the end,
My egos at play, it’s power trippin’.
For I am to humble myself to the Lord,
Keep my feet well in my own door.
Look after my house,
And my fatherless family.
For I am washed fresh in the eyes of the Lord,
Given myself back to Him once more,
So why does it matter if I’d like a man?
Why did you like me, was I just putty in your hand, or was it God’s plan to show me the ways,
No one is perfect, I’ll forgive anyway.
I’ll humble my soul, to the likes of God,
Made from the man, who is made from God,
Getting a shock as I read through the bible,
Draw dropping silence, as I learn to be quiet.
Humbling myself in the ways of a woman,
God loving, God fearing,
While singlehandedly child rearing.
But maybe your just busy,
Oh who am I to know.
Or maybe I’m ghosted,
For now, I’ll just pack away my ego.
Things being thrown,
Toys being played,
Thanks to the scraping on the fence the neighbour has made,
It’s 4am,
Too early to be awake,
Little kids, sleep isn’t in bed,
It’s gonna be a long day.
The grumpy old neighbour and her yapping dog,
Scraped something along the fence,
2am, they thought was good.
2 hours later, three kids awake,
Just because she has a little yapping dog?
I’m tired, burnt out, just another day…
A long day,
I bet she’s the one that made the call,
To report my parenting as abusive,
I bet she’s the one watching my children play,
Knowing when they are alone,
Not creepy at all….
Living next to units, it’s such fun.
Never knowing which one,
Can’t report if you don’t know the address,
But who is awake and out at this time?
Not I.
And now Im awake,
Avoiding getting up,
The children are talking, getting up to a muck,
I lay hugging my boy, as he lay awake,
Crying,
While my eyes are burning.
It went from calm to chaos,
Innocent under attack,
Violation of rights, and my privacy hacked…
And now, thanks to the government,
I can now enjoy these oncoming panic attacks.
A layer of armor is being stacked,
First the space,
And then narcissistic attacks,
Then DV with a kick of emotional abuse,
Then complete violation in them not accepting the facts….
A suit being built,
From the pits of my stomach,
Being cement upon me,
With each deepening breath,
It layers upon me, ready for the next bloody attack.
I can equip my mind,
I can equip my guts,
I can equip my spirit,
I can equip my soul in the name of God.
For he is with me,
He helps me thrive,
Even amongst chaos,
My energy can thrive.
I must learn to adapt,
I must learn to submit,
I must learn to trust,
I must learn where I fit.
To my God I am thankful,
For my past, where I’ve been,
And for that radiating sunlight,
The one beaming in.
For my soul is light,
And my joy has been set,
My rest upon my maker,
Will soon give me my reset.
In Her Heart Healing 
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