Learning to lean on God,
Learning to repent, apologize.
Learning to forgive,
Learning to thrive,
Under God’s eyes.
Even in good times,
Even when I’m wrong,
Forgiving those that hurt me,
Even though I feel victim of their crimes,
I’m under God’s eyes.
It’s sometimes very hard,
It’s sometimes very tough,
To forgive those without a sorry,
When they throw you in the mud.
I’m learning to repent, as soon as I do wrong,
It’s good practice in my books,
As I talk to God.
Learning to forgive them,
Keeping them in my prayers,
Those thieves that make life harder,
Spiritual warfare.
I feel God resting near me,
He’s come round for a chat,
Checkin how I’m going,
Faithful seeds he is sewing.
Little by little,
By the grace of God,
My hard works will pay off when we come face to face.
Imperfectly perfect, is how he likes me.
I will never be the son of God,
But I can pray with He.
Banishing out Satan’s influence,
In patches all over my life,
He will take an inch a mile,
Can’t give him the rope,
Don’t let him make you smile.
For once he’s got a foothold,
A sneaky little hole,
Every little thing,
Is another to have you overthrown.
So banish all the bad stuff,
Anything under his command,
Banish it with Jesus name,
Pushing it out constantly,
All the bad stuffs all the same.
Close the door,
Like Adam should have done,
He should have taught Eve too,
Never engage with the serpent,
Caz you know just what he’ll do.
He will question you,
Make you question God,
“Science has all the answers”
Do not play his game.
He will take you for a ride,
Along the common path,
Bit like sheeple in a crowd,
You gotta know when to pass.
The long hard journey ahead,
Seems lonely it’s true,
Many flake around you,
And God will make you anew.
Do not fret, do not fear,
Our God is always near,
Repent, apologize, he will forgive you at least 539 times.
No need to be perfect,
No need to mimic God,
No need for “Sunday Christians”
No need for that perfectionism appearance.
So as I’m learning,
As I go,
I have found good leaders,
Who won’t talk to or frow.
A preacher and a teacher,
A man and a lady,
The preacher to teach me His ways,
How to be a good Christian woman, she will tell me.
To open the bible,
Open at God’s request,
He will show you what you need to know,
Put the effort in and He’s got the rest.
Chats
Uncertainties.
This uneasy feeling,
In the pit of my stomach,
It can’t come out,
It leaves me reeling,
Uncertain with energy that doesn’t know where to go,
It spins off a tail,
It cuts off my flow.
It’s little, it wants to grow,
Holding it down and it’s making me frown,
My head starts to ache,
It’s getting me down,
I wiggle uneasily without making a sound.
What is this feeling?
Uncertain, new waters,
Voyaging out like I’m trying to find new headquarters,
I’m feeling lost,
A little alone,
Searching for a place that feels like home.
I look up and I pray,
I banish this feeling in Jesus name,
I was better, until I opened my eyes,
The flood gates opened and the feeling is back,
Time to pray again about that.
It’s the feeling of trickery,
The feeling of fool,
The feeling of someone lying to you,
Making you question,
Making you doubt,
In God it’s time to find a new route.
So I sit and I breathe,
I shut my eyes tight,
For now I will pray again with all my might.
The Eve of You.
It’s the eve of your entrance to this world little man,
A time I hadn’t quite planned,
A few days early,
I couldn’t escape,
Then my waters did break.
I waited and waited,
Then Khristie arrived,
We waited and waited,
Without a sign,
Khristie took off,
Brought back pizza,
My requested lunch to much.
Then you said “oh no, there’s no room for food! I’ll get this labour started extremely soon”
And from that moment, the push and the pain, labourous love,
Moaning in pain,
The labour of love,
A distant mind,
Out of focus, out of line.
My body was heaving,
And nothing would come,
Your dad came by,
Then you thought you’d try.
A blubbering mess,
There on the floor,
Two friends and your dad to hear me roar.
Time stood still, in that long afternoon,
You knew it would be evening soon,
And out you emerged,
Tiny and goopy,
Precious, loved,
You threatened to go poopy.
Oh how I held your tiny slippery body,
There in my hands,
You undeniable beauty.
And there I will stop.
The photos I’ve got,
All thanks to Mille who came quite quickly.
That day to look back on,
That day to remember,
You are my son,
I’ll keep you forever.
For Myself
When I restring my guitar,
I break a peg,
So I order some new stuff,
Here before long enough,
I’m playing again,
More than twinkle twinkle little star,
My own shiz,
I’m doing my own biz.
For when I play my own song,
It comes from my heart,
Those feelings I felt,
Relived, healing.
I choose what I sing,
I choose what I write,
When I write it my way it comes with good might.
There’s enough in my life to fill up a book,
You have no idea the effort it took,
To build up myself,
To get where I am,
Confidence and vulnerability.
To say with each string,
What my heart is feeling,
It took a new form, uncovering.
To play out this beat,
To play out a tune,
It’s all coming out of my fingers so soon.
As I tune my guitar,
To play more than the star,
I want to try something else,
I want to raise my bar,
So I’ll start at the bottom,
I’ll start with my hand,
Fixing up my guitar,
I’ll work it out,
I use to go sit in a pout,
Recently I got the courage to let it all out.
I began writing,
I began rap,
I began singing,
I began, chap,
When I’m done,
I’ll talk to you,
Yes I’ll come,
And I’ll ask you,
If you want a song,
For a loved one,
For someone to sing along,
A life story,
A memorable moment,
Snippets of the day,
Captured in a forever song.
No Tune.
This is a quote I’ve heard a lot lately, I’d like to write on it: God is like the sun.
I sung it as I wrote it, I hope you can pick up on it as you’re reading…
Looking up at the bright light,
Shining there, in the middle of the day,
Summers here and we get burnt,
When Winter comes we will enjoy the same rays.
But the sun is a constant one.
Always rising in the east,
Forever setting in the west,
Theres only one, constant burning sun.
Some need vitamin D, they’ll get it,
Some rising from depression, they need it,
Some coming out to play,
They’ll feel it’s warm, warming ray,
Come out from a dark place,
It will blind your eyes,
Might sear your face,
You will find it really hot,
It’s a blaze,
Its hot, hot sun rays.
Like the sun, God is constant.
Like the sun, my God is great.
Like the sun, my God helps us grow,
To some God’s got a blaze,
But to me, God’s rays are gentle,
To me, I need his grace,
To me, I bask in him all day,
To me, I need that blaze to make my base,
I can’t function with out His rays,
A day without the sun, is tricky,
I can not find my right headspace.
A day without God, is tricky,
I can not find my grace.
A day without the sun, is dreary,
A day without my God, I’ll lose my pace.
For some who have never seen my sun,
For those it might burn your face,
For you got to know how to work with it,
Or you might end up with a red faced.
So when you first pray,
Ask God for what you need.
Talk to him like he’s your best friend,
Ask him for he’s in the lead.
But there’s no wrath like the sun,
When you’re out of vitamin D,
You feel sad, alone and cold,
Motivation to the sun grows old,
Like the heat of my God won’t change,
He’s the same in n out all day,
When you lack the truth on your tongue,
Seeking him out seems quite dull.
When you begin to find the sun,
You first sit in the shade.
You might just look out your window,
Might just cover your face.
When you begin to talk with God,
You might not hear him right away,
You might just have a tiny seed of faith,
That you can just tuck away.
Then you feel the sun,
Shining on your back.
You feel the warmth blessing in the air,
You notice something is different,
You’re getting your confidence back,
And when your confident,
Soon your gardening,
In that warm, soft, gentle blaze,
The one that one that use to burn your skin,
Youre happy it’s hit your face,
Now you can see clearly,
As the old times back look bleak,
Dull, dusty and boring,
Wondering why you took so long doubting it.
Not for the Narcs.
Centrelink scammer is all you see,
Living freely, carelessly,
Assumptions are made, disregard,
All because you go to work and work hard,
But what you don’t see is me,
Living faithfully,
Managing little people’s big emotions carefully.
And what you don’t see,
Is the appointments made,
Rearranged, and made again,
Follow ups,
The car drives,
Medical stuff,
Well I can’t let that slide,
Accountability to others,
And their knowledgeable way,
Helping my kids be a functional human,
Society may accept one day,
You don’t see the meltdowns,
The whole body throws,
The tears, the feelings these little kids crow,
And all while you say I just sit on my bum,
Have a free life,
Where I am rich and have it all my way,
In your mind, I’m just having a ball,
Everything is my way,
I should always do better,
And my good enough is never written in your letter.
Not to mention the nappy changes,
I have three, while most of the time you have none,
And while I sit here, writing this out,
I’m praying to God to stop this urge to let you know how I’m really feeling,
Cleaning up, laundering.
Fixing scrapes and bruises,
Headaches and runny noses,
Meals and snacks,
Food shopping,
Don’t forget the upcoming house inspection,
I can’t forget to chase you up dad?
Who scrapes by bare minimum?
While you can’t afford full child support,
But get 4 times more than I do…
And in you house it’s only you,
With your adult child,
Your income would be close to $80k
And you can’t afford to pay?
Here I am, single mum of four,
Living on 1/4 of your income and yet I can’t be poor,
Rolling in the luxuries,
Must be the way,
You don’t see my car needs new breaks,
Fan belt, only just operating.
The broken window I have to pay for because the landlord didn’t want to fix the glass door that sticks…
Another thing I have to organize on my list.
But I can’t, because I have to get my kids stuff seen to.
Paying for another pair of prescription glasses,
My child lost her new ones,
Though they are probably at the school because they don’t pack them up half the time,
But that’s also my fault I can’t find them, like it’s some sort of a crime.
And what do our kids eat?
Don’t you know, they are old enough you should know!
My fridge is full of fruit and vegetables,
Good nut spreads and breads,
Watered down juice and water,
Why what do they eat at yours, mortar?
They come home clogged up, constipated,
And what I am doing is not nearly enough?
Who does the hydro runs,
Avoiding obvious puns,
Around you constantly holding my tongue.
Two of your kids and suddenly I’m no fun?
Really, I wonder if it was almost prolapse that got me, hun?
Or the fact my backs almost literally breaking,
It’s still not enough,
I should have predicted,
And it’s all my way,
Like I’m psychic and planned it this way.
The Works.
These songs are written through me,
They elevate my fingers,
As I touch and type these words,
It’s like a river flowing through me,
There is no saying where it will lead,
Much deeper than I could have gone,
These words written on my page,
Are done so with glory to God.
There is no knowing,
Where these rhymes will turn it go,
But his spirit is with me,
Everywhere I turn.
With Him by my side,
Who knows what will be next,
But I know I am covered,
By Him who saved me there.
To trust in faith,
Little by little,
Like a carpenters work,
Spinning at a wheel,
Slowly chipped away at,
Until David was revealed,
The pieces fall around me,
Ever slowly crashing down,
The chaos comes around me,
Tries to catch me out,
My relationship with God,
With the one and only source,
Of creativity and abundance,
Of our simple life force,
Is one that is whole,
It is one that is clear,
Simple cut,
Once you start catching on to terms,
Life is flowing round me,
God is by my side,
Like a dead fast pillar in an avalanche,
I can ask for help to hold on.
When God is by my side,
My knees shudder at the thought,
I stop, I pray
God show me the way
And help me not give up.
For flesh is only small,
And spirits sometimes meer,
When the avalanche is occuring,
Just make sure I ask God to be near.
He will protect me,
He will shield me from fear,
My knees may be wobbling,
But I know my God is near.
I can do things scared,
I might not do them right,
But I’m under God’s protection,
Even through the night.
In Her Heart Healing 
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