I can’t watch anymore,
The collapse of my chaotic world,
Only what it seems,
But that’s not reality,
In search of new perspective,
Running out of ideas,
Surely someone out there
Has another collective.
Another idea to spark my table,
To change my perspective,
To get a new angle,
To draw up my plans,
There’s a way to make it work,
Call out the people,
Who make the world real,
Between you and I,
Between myself and the tree,
Grounding,
Healing,
New family,
A bond,
A break,
A trust,
Some stuff,
Ideas thrown round like some candy fluff,
To spark a new interest,
To spark a new side,
To take a new perspective,
On yet a new and very different kind of side.
To take a moment,
To let it sink in,
A jolly good laugh,
And some secret grins…
To share some moments,
Of some hard times gone,
To have a handbook, for me to take a look,
On what you did,
How you over came,
How you split your world,
N put it back together again.
To speak and to heal,
To try and to trust,
To forge a friendship out of mutual rust.
To give some guidance,
Some here or there,
For what you have to say,
My friend,
Is all that is there.
We all are filled by ideas of trust,
Of forgiveness,
Of hearts,
Of how not to lust,
How our words impact our world,
From day to day change,
While the things we say are being hurled.
Trapped into hearts of the ones we love,
Because we’re stuck in our ways,
Because we feel stuck in our luck…
But little do we know,
If we all went to the pub,
You, me, the village and half the stuff,
Then stories be told,
Brave and triumphant,
Overcoming obstacles before words turn to nothin’t.
Young and the old,
Believe and the brave,
The witless, the weary,
The teary, the ones that rave…
For we all have a story,
All sorrows to be told,
For you never know what secrets,
They’ll have to behold.
For there might be a gem,
A snag or two,
Of how to get out of a pickle or two.
And deep down is that feeling,
So lost, so cold…
Of that little boy or girl who just lost their entire world.
Chats
Heartfelt.
When dancing comes my way,
I catch it.
When snowballs come my way,
I smile at it.
When disappointment comes to show,
I feel it.
When I am on my own,
I can start again,
Take the wind,
Take the air,
Breathe new life into it.
Take the breeze,
Take the flow,
Let the movement help you go.
When there’s quite all around,
Let the music take abound,
When I feel it in the air,
I stop and I stare…
There’s nothing I should know,
I can take that deep hearted blow,
Because deep down I will keep,
Those memories made for me.
Inspired.
My road to God was not easily made,
A lot of bumps along the way,
Twist and turns,
Rounds and bends,
Devastation at all ends,
Fall in the pitfall,
Can’t get myself out,
No one can help me,
There was no way out.
Years of Questioning,
Years of doubt,
Years of finding what the world was about,
Untrusting, no faith.
God slaughtered by the church,
With Sunday smiles,
And real emotions got filed.
Pretend it’s okay,
Oh Emma your just fine,
Get out of your headspace,
Smile all the time,
Got a job Sundays,
To get out of that fake place,
The church and Jesus was done for,
Only go there to save face,
It wasn’t about faith.
Appear to be happy,
Appear to be good,
Hide those true feelings,
In order to be understood.
My faith was dry,
Killed by the church,
I saw falsities,
Everywhere I turned.
So on Sundays I got a job,
Anything will do,
Dry cleaners work is new.
So my faith was gone,
I doubted the whole world,
What was real,
What was fake,
And what it was people can just make,
Science and knowledge,
Reading up real good,
For answers to questions,
That yearned to be understood.
Lessons on bodies,
Functionality tests,
Bad psychology,
It was good where it led.
I felt smart,
I felt in conrrol,
I felt like I could do something,
Which was really out of my control.
The devil’s works,
Are easily hidden,
By information that comes from the earth,
Not heaven.
Man made tests,
Some made to suffer,
And the extent of these things,
No one knows from the other.
Knowledge is power,
Knowledge is great,
Knowledge is unbreakable,
Where as knowledge is fake.
A hard lesson learned,
As I thought I was right,
But behind the knowledge,
Something wasn’t bright.
The history is dark,
The psychology is bad.
No consent,
Suffering for answers is still to be had…
Knowledge is great,
Knowledge is good,
Until you can see the evil,
It needs to be understood.
How did we learn,
About people’s brains?
Subjects to tested,
They where never the same.
Unwilling participants,
Subject to shame,
For those that where different,
Couldn’t have a say.
The history behind it,
Is so bad,
It appears to be good,
It appears to be helpful,
When you begin to read,
What happened in our past,
What people where subject to,
Under those who put themselves in charge…
And when you read the history,
And what is taught in schools,
White men always conquer,
White men always rule.
The history of Australia,
The same goes in America,
The false prophets claim,
The false prophets rule.
To give God a bad name,
To slandee His word,
To make it uneasy,
To make God unheard.
To give false hope,
To be solid in science,
To know all the answers,
To make a strong alliance.
To confuse,
To tear down,
To weather away,
To fear,
The false god is everywhere,
Something real to fear,
For we know where he works,
We know where he hides,
Behind knowledge and the confusing lies.
To make things grey,
To blur the lines,
To make it hard,
To make a lot of lies.
To uncover God,
In his own false way,
To appear real,
So you think you can heal.
To make you think your god,
To make your hard works amazing,
To force you to confront things,
Force your heart to hide things…
To see his work,
You’d assume it’s good,
Knowledge is power,
Something we understood…
To be in the classroom,
Forced eye contact,
To appear to be concentrating,
Forced to appear not to lack.
Don’t fall behind,
Don’t colour how you wish,
Don’t use your imagination,
Here’s another standardized quiz.
Knowledge is great,
Knowledge is good,
So many with collage degrees,
Only leaving with a huge ton of fees.
None in their job,
Overqualified for some,
Some kicking and wishing they hadn’t begun.
Swinging depression,
The psychology of today,
And the trauma of people,
On mass scale for sale…
For the pursuit of knowledge,
That very fine thing,
But when they don’t have answers,
They won’t take no as the answer.
For I have said no,
On many occasions,
Let’s follow your son,
Bribery at play,
We will give you a free assessment,
We will provide it no charge,
Let us tag along on your journey,
There’s our work to be done,
They say you’ll help others,
You’ll be doing good,
Let us test your kids,
To see what you have done.
Then it clicked,
It dawned on me,
The depth of the ocean,
The bottom of each sea,
To the ends of the earth,
To the God given life,
The depth of knowledge,
It will never suffice.
And who can I thank,
For the marvellous creation,
For the one that gave the world a nation,
It dawned on me,
To the ends of the earth,
Knowledge is limited,
A never ending thirst.
For if knowledge was so vast,
It would run past the sea,
Beyond the ocean,
No one could ever see…
And if knowledge in man,
Was meant for us so,
Then why can’t they recreate the humble dodo.
If man where so great,
So knowledge and powerful,
Nothing would be lacking,
Everyone would be fruitful…
But man can not run with that level of power,
You see them all cower,
When they can’t explain something,
Downplaying the results,
And uplifting their service,
When all along I was the one,
Connecting the dots.
They force me to hardship,
They’ll force me to cover,
They’ll force me to do anything,
At their want and their power.
They lie to me,
They lie to each other,
They downplay the good,
And expect me to accept their shit on a plate,
Lucky and thankful they’ll accept.
For I am no one,
Another number for their book.
For them to experiment,
So they can look good.
Don’t build up immunity,
The hospital told me,
Pushed on the weight,
Because surely she will need that…
For she will suffer,
She will get sick,
She will be hospitalized,
Her outcome is bleak.
She was born low immune,
Heart a little wonky,
And has a small lung.
They told me she’d die,
If I didn’t do as they asked,
They told me I’d kill her,
I had better act fast.
So I did what was best,
Knowledge at the time,
Knowing how the body works,
I would only accept what I know works best.
I stopped attending those experts one day,
I built up her immune system,
I had my say.
My results where so good,
The doctors surprised,
They need to monitor her,
With the corner of their eye.
A few years later,
My son was born poor,
Experiments started again,
This is when I began to find God.
I prayed and I prayed,
God send his angels to my son,
As he lied on the hospital bed,
So frail, so young.
They worked and they worked,
He got better, they said,
They wouldn’t admit when they fucked up,
But held everything on my head.
They put me through hell,
Ripped out my heart,
Burdened my brain,
Broken my heart.
I didn’t pray much,
Very little back then,
Those few months ago,
When it shook me to and fro.
God by my side,
Full power at work,
Devil at play,
This is spiritual work.
God on my side,
I found Him again,
Shattering all my fears,
Making life okay again.
He healed my son,
He restores my faith,
He listened to my prayers,
He is like no one.
For God is good,
For God is great,
For He made the dodo,
For He made my kids great.
Some days I forget,
That He walks with me,
But I soon pray that he forgive me.
For I know I am stronger,
With Him on my side,
For He holds the word,
And He knows his power.
He can heal the sick,
Unlike the man made magic stick,
God knows it all,
Man won’t ever accept that they’ll always fall.
Throw Ya Back Out.
My body refuses to function,
From my navel down,
I can’t do anything,
I’m seized up,
I’m only managing to lie down,
I sprained my lower back,
The inflammation still abounds,
Oh the pain is unbearable,
Especially when my kids playing on the ground.
I can’t even move,
I feel so invalid,
I can barely function,
But I have so much to do.
I wonder if the pain is there from stress in the past year,
The trauma, the events,
Captured in my lower back,
There because that’s where I laboured,
It may have been injured.
So my feelings stuck in my body,
Tight n tense,
Clearly unprocessed and jarred.
Upright, uptight.
Stabbing pain as inflammation shoots through,
Burning and scraping with it’s claws,
My poor back, makes me roar.
Garlic, tumeric, ginger infused honey,
To help my inflammation become at bay.
Got me through so many hard times before.
This stuff keeps my soul sunny, hey.
My whole lower self is tight, seized up,
An aftermath of it fighting itself,
Working too hard,
The underside of being an independent woman,
My body can’t hack it any more,
But the man I had was not quite so helpful,
Only making me feel like his mother,
How I yearned for his help, his assistance his hands to support me through the hard times,
He ran away. Leaving me with all the bits,
The mental mess to deal with of having those hard times.
How I wanted him to stick by me.
Be my rock,
Listen to me,
Not question n doubt me.
Asking for help fell on deaf ears too long,
My body not coping, almost breaking,
But to him it must be that I was cheating,
No my body’s not coping,
I’ve been saying all along,
Pregnancy stuff, bodys not strong,
Muscles are weaker and hope not for prolapse,
It didn’t but now my body feels like it’s in collapse.
Friends got me magnesium,
Pain releif cream, starting to feel better,
Hours later I can fully function,
Feeling better as I go,
I’m not better still
Just recovering,
On a pill.
Two weeks I’ve got to go,
Take it easy, with the kids in tow,
My body is not once what it use to be,
How long can my body cope with me being me,
I must change my mindset,
Help to be sought,
I must lean on my family n friends,
My only resource,
I have got to be strong,
Take it as it comes,
Breathe through the rest,
While I beat to my own drum.
Life Works
Ain’t it strange looking back on life,
How things go, how things change,
The old and the new,
Time mixed up like stew,
And by your side remain your faithful crew.
How things work, and how they end,
How everything old is new again.
A fresh perspective,
A new beginning,
The breath of life,
The old fades away,
The new temporarily stays.
The pain from last year,
The doctors bad words,
The horrible shit,
Is fading away.
I thought I’d miss it,
I thought I’d forget,
But those memories become faded in my head.
My photos lost forever,
Hidden away in a book,
No longer in my phone,
It amputated it’s storage memory.
Memories, pain, discomfort, muck,
No longer bright or bold,
Or at the touch of a button on my phone.
The pain dispersed,
Memories not lost,
But no longer in my face,
Physically they are easily replaced.
Almost right on a year on now,
I have a new phone,
The old memories have gone,
Today we get home from our last minute get away,
Where new memories where made,
Moments captured,
Bright and bold memories are now front of face.
I can move on from that horrible space.
The Generational Blessing
I am not my mum
But my mum was me,
I can’t be in my mother’s shoes,
But she has the greatest empathy for me.
As a woman in her thirties,
Having a preteen daughter,
I can now see what my mum sees in me,
For I was her,
That girl in the same shoes,
Mskin choices and didn’t know what to choose,
Doubting myself and my ways,
For days and days,
Those memories don’t fade,
To see my girl,
Where I was in time,
For the choice’s she makes,
That are not mine,
For the path she chooses is no less or more,
It’s just another path this girl hasn’t yet explored.
Back to my mother,
Her empathy in uproar,
As she feels my pain,
As I lay with my boy,
She knows what I need,
She’s been here before,
She was the thirty year old girl,
Exploring the world.
Worth
For what are you worth little pheasant mam
Only as much as you can do,
Only worth a penny or two,
Worth as much as kings daughter
Or just enough to make a quarter…
How do you measure your own worth,
In words,
In writing,
In silver,
How high are you on your perch.
Is a ten dollar a ten dollar,
Even when it’s crushed,
Even when it’s dropping wet,
Mushed up in some mud,
What about when its broken,
Ripped or torn apart,
Or put in someone’s pocket and caught under a fart,
Does a ten dollar lose its value,
When it’s been taped back up together,
What about a loved one,
How much are they worth to you…
So why don’t I value myself the same way I value those,
Those loved ones and mundane things around me,
Why don’t I see myself from glasses made in rose,
I find myself constantly fighting myself in a plea to see myself as those,
For a place for me to be,
Up in my own authority,
To uphold myself and my dignity,
In my own value of liberty…
And why can’t I just know my own value I hold,
When dragged into the masses,
I feel so darn cold,
So much undeserving,
So I only see my flaws,
Every little detail I hold up to behold,
Every part is scrutinized,
Under my own authority,
And why do I never feel enough,
No matter how much thought swapping I do,
It’s mostly surface level stuff,
No impact on my heart,
And maybe, just maybe one day I’ll write my appreciation to myself from my heart.
In Her Heart Healing 
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